Conversational Dancing.

I do not get tired of repeating that getting to know a foreign culture is like walking through a gloomy jungle.

Being born and raised in the Soviet Union era, I did not have the chance to interact with people from other cultures. There were a lot of foreign students at the University where I studied; however, none of them were among my classmates because the faculty of Controlling Systems in the Telecommunication Field did not accept foreign students. Also, due to some stereotypes that had been grafted in me by a communist upbringing, I avoided communicating with international students. This will sound shocking to many, but I especially tried to stay away from students who were from the Middle East and Central Asian countries. It should be mentioned, however, that by the will of fate, I am currently married to an Afghan man.  I am in a happy intercultural marriage; however, having both been brought up in our native lands, the differences in our ways of communication are quite apparent to us.  

There are so many languages we use in our lives to communicate with each other. However, knowing the language of another culture does not guarantee success in dealing with its people. In addition to the variety of verbal languages, there are also nonverbal styles of communication, such as a body language, facial expressions, and eye contact. The difference in communication styles between the Ukrainian culture, my culture, and the Afghan one I can describe in terms of folk dances, greetings, and invitations.

First of all, the Ukrainians and Afghans have different styles of dancing. I would define the Afghan dance as a mysterious and sensual style with soft and smooth movements. It difficult to explain why I see it as a mysterious dance. Perhaps this feeling came to me from the eastern tales, which I read as a child. From my today perspective, this way of dancing is deeply rooted in the history of the country. Because the Afghan women’s lives were worthless and miserable, their dreams about a beautiful and fairy life were expressed through dancing. On the other hand, the dynamic history of the Ukrainian people has brought the theme of struggle and intolerance towards the enemies as well as the theme freedom and joy of life to the Ukrainian dance. It has a vibrant style with sharp and quick movements.

The next difference between Ukrainian and Afghan communication styles is the way they greet each other. When Afghan men greet each other, they put their right hand on the chest close to the heart, which is very touching and sensual. What is interesting is that at the beginning of a conversation they speak at the same time. They ask each other about every member of the family and do not get tired repeating "tashakor", which means ‘thank you’. In contrast, the Ukrainian style of greeting could be perceived as comparatively rude. We greet each other rather quickly and ask about members of the family only if it’s really interesting to us. In this case we can easily trace the parallel between the two styles of dance as a way of communication, and the two styles of greeting each other. Whereas the Ukrainian greeting is sharp and quick, the Afghan way is very sensual and considerate.

The last difference between Ukrainian and Afghan communication styles is in the meaning of an invitation for a cup of tea. Now here’s an example of “a mysterious dance” from my perspective. Once, my husband and I went for a walk and met an Afghan acquaintance. The men greeted each other and had a short conversation.  The only thing that I understood was that the man invited us for a cup of tea. My husband politely refused.  After their conversation ended, he showed me the man’s balcony on which were hanging, lying and standing all things that could fit. My husband said that the man’s apartment was infected with bugs and being treated with chemicals. I asked indignantly, “why did he invite us? Did he want to share his bugs with us?!” – To which my smiling husband replied that it was just the Afghan way and the man simply wanted to be polite. If an Afghan invites you to his home for a cup of tea, it does not mean that he or she is really inviting you, he explained. At the moment, the man’s invitation was offensive to me. The Ukrainians, in contrast, are more direct people. Their way of conversing is as rigid as the way they dance. Nobody will invite you for a cup of tea unless someone really wants to invite you.

In short, it's not easy to communicate if you don’t know the language and culture of your partner, and it is impossible to dance in a pair when the partner follows his or her own rhythm. It can be a problem in an intercultural marriage. To overcome misunderstanding, spouses should communicate with each other, be open, and patient. However, It is easier to say, and not easy to do. Coming back to our marriage, while my husband keeps trying to understand my mysterious Slavic soul, and fears to injure a delicate feminine essence, I keep smiling, and dancing with quick and sharp movements. Fortunately, my husband is a wise and patient man, and I love him for it.